TWONKEY LOST IN LONDON!

When I go to London I use a street guide from 1969 admittedly it’s a little out of date. I am increasing feeling the need to buy a new map as parts of the city are looking like something from out of space not that I’ve ever been there only in my dreams.

I’m wondering if someone could help me locate the area of London I got lost in making my way to Shoreditch for my headline slot at the CONFUSE comedy night.

I remember a church on the corner with the smallest belfry I have ever seen about size of a shoebox the rest of the church appeared to be a normal size. In front of this hardly foreboding shadow lay a small graveyard all the tombstones looked like the branded wooden ones you see in films about the Wild West.

A monk was making his way around the cloisters chanting ‘Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow’. He disappeared through a door that said fisherman's lodge. I picked up a seashell in the garden and it was blue as octopus ink with what seemed like a copper inner coating. A loud banging was coming from inside the fountain of a beer-drinking bear under a Bavarian bus shelter. The clouds turned an orange kind of black. A low hiss could be heard coming from the drains.

Then the bell rang in the tower such a sweet little sound like a cat playing with wind chimes on a summer day. Then and I swear this is true a tiny rust covered submarine popped out of one of the snouts at the top of the fountain and ran around the parameter line of the drunken bears tear stream.

Later at the gig I told people about this mysterious place and many believed I had been to Clapham. Anyway I stormed the gig by all accounts, which means I’m due a beating somewhere along the line. London’s house was full and the crowd lapped it up. I made new friends and chewed the fat with old chums. It seems being trapped under fishing net is something I’m going have to work into my next fringe show in a big way, as it was key to my overall success. I’m pleased as punch to announce my 2015 fringe show will be called Twonkey’s Stinking Bishop it came to me in the catacombs of Clapham if indeed it was Clapham.

A big cup of thanks goes to Edward At Last for having me.

MEANWHILE BACK IN SCOTLAND...

Quizzical Creatures - An Alternative Pub Quiz returns for Christmas with Mr.Twonkey, Lottie and Mr. Chris.

The 8th of December kick off at eight only £1 at the door. Woodland Creatures 260 Leith Walk Edinburgh, EH6.

Just when you thought the traditional pub quiz had fallen prey to telephone technology, dodgy hosts and general boredom...we've twisted it's melons and are proud to present Twonkey’s Christmas night of puzzles, film, songs, far out thinking and other such nonsense. Prizes include: mysteries, trinkets and traumas. It'll be a pub quiz with a difference, like a blankity blank Christmas special, imagined by an ewok spinning on the mastermind chair in the Valley of the Kings'. The last one was a hit back in October so get down and find out why.

Paul Vickers and The Leg also enjoyed a good old Fence knees up for Halloween. Anstruther’s court of King Creosote let us bang and boom in the Dreel Halls. It’s always Halloween in P.V and The Leg land so playing a set fit for a monster moon is easy work for us. The snap below sums up the feeling in witching hours as cobwebbed ghost ships floated on the horizon.To quote The Cheeky Girls touch my bum this is LIFE.

WONDERFUL LONDON PICS-ANTONY OUDOT.

PUB QUIZ PIC-STEVEN VICKERS.

HALLOWEEN PIC-MR.DONALD FAIRBAIRN.